So if you've turned on the news lately or lost your job, you may have heard that the economy is not only dying, but actually already dead and stalking us with it's crazed, zombified thirst for foreclosures and brains. "In these tough economic times," you may be wondering, "what can I do to protect my family, my life, and my stock portfolio?"
Don't worry. I've got answers.
Number One: Guns. If you've read Cormac McCarthy's 2009 economic forecast The Road, you know that sometime next year the American wasteland will be filled with roving bands of flesh-eating bandits and psychopaths. You could join the uprising, but if you'd rather eat your own carefully cultivated food storage instead of children, guns are your best bet. I don't actually know anything about guns, but I'm guessing that bigger is better, so see if you can find something like this:
Number Two: Gold. There are some things in life that will always have value: the words of Shakespeare, the art of Michelangelo, the timeless and witty nicknames G.W. Bush bestowed on his friends (Brownie! Condie! Cheney!). Oh yeah, and 100% all-American bling. Sure, you may think you don't have the resources right now to invest in much gold--you couldn't sell your house for a couple of gold bricks right now even if you wanted to. But the good news is huge amounts of gold are available right now, and the only think you need to get them is a shovel and a pickaxe.
That's right, careers are now available in the exciting field of mining and prospecting! Get rich the way your forefathers did, with a strainer and the willpower to sift through mountain run-off. That doesn't suit your fancy? There are still plenty of openings in fast growing fields of: conflict diamond fencing and drug smuggling. The future is now!
Number Three:Vampires. So you don't like riding or being a mule, and shooting people makes your arm sore? Why not become a vampire? Think about it! Housing costs become a thing of the past when you sleep in the ground. Can't afford the heating bill this winter? As a vampire, you won't feel the cold, the heat, or anything else. You'll be at an advantage in the job market for your willingness to take higher paying but less desireable night careers, and let's not forget the biggest advantage: Watch those grocery and restaurant bills drop to nothing while you feast on the blood of your neighbors! It's a win-win all around, except for those you kill in your bloodlust. But you won't feel guilt, because you'll have no soul!
I hope these tips have been useful. Look for my next essay coming soon: "Sleeping Your Way to Security: A Guide to Becoming Arm Candy in a World Starved for Sweetness." And look for my new book The MacGuyver Rule: Surviving the New Depression with Bubblegum and a Piece of String. In bookstores this Christmas!